128. You are what you love, and not what loves you back.

Your sweetness is obvious to anyone who meets you. Anyone who knows you at all knows that you cannot stand hurting others.

I am so sorry if you ever told me what I wanted to hear in order to avoid hurting me. I love you so deeply. I hope you understand that. This is not where I ever wanted to end up, but I can live with it knowing that you’re where you want to be.

In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way. That is, I have always wanted you to have what you wanted. I don’t think anyone who loves you would want anything other than that for you either, for that matter.

But, oh my god, how I love you. When I think about never taking your face in my hands and kissing you, I am reduced to a pile of a human. When I think that you will never carry me to the bed, the couch, the sex chair (which, btw, I’ve never actually had sex on), I lose it a little bit. I’m losing it a little bit right now.

I’ll be okay. It just hurts. Actually, it aches. I did not know it was possible for my heart to ache this much.

But of course it does, because I didn’t know it was possible for my heart to love this much. This pain must go with that new territory.

I miss you, Sweetz. I love loving you. Even if you can’t love me back.