I’ve been thinking about how the way you seem right now to me seems more like how you were when I met you in 2014 than when we reunited last summer. Oddly, I am also more like I was in 2014 than I was when we met last summer too.
This is not to say that I think that either of us needs to ghost the other. In fact, I don’t know that this observation is very useful in terms of saying what the future holds. I think it’s more helpful in understanding how we got here and who we are together.
You were all over the place in 2014, as you’re aware. I was not what was making you crazy, although I understand you were confused by your feelings for me. But there was something else, and I think that something—whatever it was—-is what put you in the position to meet me in the first place.
As for myself, the way I feel now is not unlike I felt during the time you knew me back in 2014-15. I was in a relationship that was touch-and-go at the time (with Tim). It tended to make me sensitive and hurt my confidence.
And here we are again. You’re all over the place. I’m pining like a puppy. Except this time, I’m the reason you’re all over the place. And you’re the reason I’m pining like a puppy.
I think a big reason you love being with me is because I’m not a part of your life. I think you were under a lot of stress in your life in 2014 when you met me, and I offered you fresh air. I think you were stress-free when we met again last summer…because you were alone.
But still, I draw you out. You feel free with me. I feel that from you when we are together. It’s how you look at me. It’s how you kiss me. It’s how you make love to me. I don’t mind being that for you. In fact, I love being that for you.
I could not have handled what I have been through with you these past few months if we had fallen in love in 2014. It has been much more dramatic than anything I ever went through with Tim. But then again, I didn’t even think I deserved love back in 2014, so I wouldn’t have fought for it like I have recently.
But you and I have always loved each other. We just didn’t know it before. You were confused. I was preoccupied. But it was there whether we had the capacity to see it or not. That’s what I think, anyway, for whatever that’s worth.
I love you. You say this is just one of those lives where we run into each other and say goodbye. I am not ready to surrender to that. If we recognize each other, why would we say goodbye?
Let’s make love in this life.
