I don’t feel great after the conversation we had this evening and I’m not sure why. I feel like whenever you make statements like such as, “I have been unwavering in my commitment to my marriage,” you are rubbing the fact that your marriage is top priority in my face. All I have been trying to do with you since Christmas is to find the grace within myself so that I could use it to love you with everything I’ve got while coexisting with the knowledge that you value your marriage over my everything.
Then there’s the more analytical part of me that’s critical about this implicit proposition that being unwavering in one’s commitment signifies a particularly strong commitment anyway. Consider how in the scientific method, nothing can be true unless it is able to be tested. Likewise, your unwavering commitment to staying married represents a hypothesis that staying married is the most valuable thing to do—but if you’re not able to subject that commitment to serious scrutiny, then that hypothesis about the valuation of your marriage can never be Truth. It can be true to you, though, without being The Truth. I think that true to you is good enough, though. :)
If you want me to go away I’ll just go away. I feel like youre making decisions that directly impact me and discussing them with everyone but me. I feel strange about the fact that I clearly love driving up there in order to maintain a sense of closeness, but I’m disallowed the privilege to see you face to face.
Then, you say you have so much to lose. Do you not think that my everything is worth everything to me? How is it possible that your everything has more everything in it to you? You’ve suggested that my inability to put myself in your shoes prevents me from seeing things your way—as if that’s necessarily a bad thing. I think it’s pretty hard to predict the course of a hurricane if you’re standing in it.
Then there’s the fact that you tell me that you’re staying married but that you think you’re actually going to get a divorce, You said that tonight and sort of alluded to it earlier this week. I think you can understand how I would be confused by this. I think I understand what you mean, but would rather talk about it with you than put words in your mouth.
I would write more but I need to get ready to drive out there so I can be back on time for lagree. I will wind this down by saying that I love you and that my love for you has been subject to many tests. My love has been tried, My love for you has been tested. Therefore, my love for you is True.