20. Late Night Talkin’

So, I feel like I want to sometimes include some interesting snippets of the long transcript of our correspondence. I think this is an obvious one to kick this practice off with. Feel free to make requests for anything we’ve said that you’d like to see up on this here blog.

It’s a slideshow with seven screenshots. Let me know if you have trouble seeing them all.

I was going to start this series of screenshots where I say that I want to make love to you. Then I saw how you just basically popped up and said that you were nude before I even said anything like that. You’re like, just poppin off my shirt over here all by myself! Lol,,,

DIRTY FREAKY DADDY!

19. I Ache For You

I ache for you.

I really do. I want to climb into your lap right now. I want to straddle you, my legs on either side of you. I’m facing you. Your face is in my hands. And I’m kissing you deeply. Your hands are everywhere. On my back. On my tits. Touching my face. In my hair. We are memorizing and treasuring one another. You are precious to me too.

I ache for you. I ache for you. I ache for you.

Everything I do right now is in service of our love. When I run for myself, I am running for you and me. I want to be the best Cassie I can be for this. I really think I’ve been waiting for this my whole life, and I want to REALLY show up.

I don’t look at anyone the way I look at you. Those soft eyes are only yours to see. Yours. I am yours, Craig. I am your Cassie..

I was remarking earlier about how your emotions may have some sort of Pavlovian effect. As in, they often coincide with physical pleasure, and therefore I start getting wet when I sense you having strong feelings in preparation for having your cock inside me. However, I’ve reconsidered this and no longer think it’s accurate. I think the way you express yourself is super masculine, and that’s actually what gets me all hot and bothered.

I don’t know if there is anything in this world that I find more sexy than your emotionality.

18. The Most Romantic Vacation I’ve Ever Had

My primary source(s) for info on PC food and fun have been google, yelp, and the PC subreddit.

ROUGHING IT

Zion Nat’l Park

  • Angels Landing. 5000+ foot drop. one of the best views of your life

  • Weeping Rock.

  • Emerald Pools.

  • The Narrows. You have to walk in water and people rent special shoes for that purpose.

    *there’s a Mexican restaurant in Springdale that looks like it was an old gas station called something like “La Casita” that’s supposed to be good. Guacamole and the burrito were specifically credited with being tasty.

PetrAglyphs

PARK CITY

FOOD

$$$ (“Don’t you know who we are?!”)

Twisted Fern. This place is highly regarded amongst those on the PC subreddit. The smoked trout dip sounds delicious, but I really wish it were called something other than smoked trout dip for some reason. The name bothers me, but I am willing to bet I can get past that. Anyway, prices are on the low side of fancy. They serve duck. Duck rhymes with fuck, which is something we like to do.

710 Bodega. So, this is a tapas restaurant. Tapas means small plates. Small plates are cute. Like you. Maybe we can go there and let you be cute among the cute things.

Riverhorse. This establishment appears to be the big deal restaurant of restaurant row on main street in PC. The menu is composed of things that sound like tasty and fancy mountain man food (such as a wild game trio and hand-cut buffalo tartare). Also has some seafood dishes (halibut, salmon, shucked oysters).

$$ (“We’re just two salt of the earth folk.”)

Saltbox. This place is the sister eatery to Riverhorse Restaurant (listed above). Here, we can get tasty sandwiches made for us and buy fancy coffee AND we can get meat, cheese, crackers, etc. upstairs from the the little shoppe.

Harvest. All day breakfast. They serve stuff with ricotta, which I like very much. Saw some sammiches on the menu as well.

The Chop Shop. Makes really nice cheese boards togo. Also has a good selection of sandwiches (fried chicken, french dip, meatball, ham and swiss with tomato soup, etc.).

Nosh. I thought maybe you might be interested in having our first meal together be mediterranean food. For old time’s sake? ;) In all seriousness, this place is super-casual and has hummus platters and other stuff that might hit the spot if we’re in a mood that calls for something like that.

$ (“We are but humble servants.”)

The Market. This is a grocery market. That’s probably where it gets its name from. It sells groceries, as you might guess. However, it also has this little grill and eating area that allegedly looks like a high school cafeteria where you can get breakfast sammiches in the AM and tacos at lunchtime.

Sergios. Look, I realize we probably shouldn’t fuck around with Tex-Mex in Utah, BUT, this place is sit-down, cheap, purportedly tasty, and has a salsa bar. IT HAS A FUCKIN SALSA BAR!

DRINK

Atticus Coffee. This place is supposed to be set up like a living room inside. Named after Atticus Finch of To Kill a Mockingbird. So it’s all about lawyers and justice and shit, which is cool.

Ritual Chocolate. Okay, so not really a “drink,” but they do have good coffee, and, more importantly, hot chocolate. Sometimes I like hot chocolate instead of coffee. Especially if it’s good, you know? Anyway, they have chocolate here too. Fuck yeah.

ACTIVITIES

Paddle board Yoga in an Ancient Crater. From their website: “We’ll enjoy a peaceful sunrise/morning or nighttime trek through the quiet forest, illuminated by only the stars and the beam of your headlamp for the night trips. After, we’ll splash into the steamy mineral water of the Homestead Crater for an hour of paddleboard yoga. Encased in ancient stone and fully protected from the elements for year-round enjoyment, the Homestead Crater’s Caribbean-blue waters instantly transport you from the mountains of Utah to pure, otherworldly bliss.”

Park City Mountain Coaster. I watched a GoPro video of this in its entirety on YouTube and it was gorgeous. Here’s some info from their website: “Utah’s longest Mountain Coaster winds through more than a mile of loops and curves at speeds up to 25 mph. Just like your favorite roller coaster, but with the refreshing mountain scenery of Park City.”

SHOPPING.

MISC.

17. Fences

What’s a soulmate?

When I say that you are my soulmate, I mean that I perceive a natural connection between the two of us that transcends time, and that you will remain my soulmate no matter what the future brings. That’s my take on the spiritual/metaphysical aspect of soulmates. I genuinely believe we share such a connection.

On a more practical level, it means that you are irreplaceable to me, and me to you. It means that we are perfectly suited to one another. It does not, however, mean we can read one another’s minds or that we are guaranteed permanent satisfaction having found one another. But we found one another. Thank god.

“To know the pain of too much tenderness.”

I treat the pain of your absence like I treat the oppressive heat of Houston in the summer months. I recognize it and refuse to mention it to anyone—especially myself. That which can be named is the mother of ten thousand things.

I try to make any sadness I feel in response to you not being present sit in the corner with its nose against the wall like the bad little child it is.

I prefer, for obvious reasons, to think of you inside me. I think of you moving around on top of me. I liked it when you put all your weight down on me.

On some level, I’ve always appreciated the feeling of being bound or otherwise pinned down. I equate being restrained with caring, on some level. We put gates and fences around the things we care about. I am certain this has to do with the lack of supervision I experienced as a teenager and how I longed for my parents to tune in and discipline me for some transgression. And now here I am, all grown up, asking daddy to ground me to the bed with his naked body.

Okay. I just got a bit turned on.

I took down the Midge Sinclair site. I disabled the P411 account. I will allow my Eros ad to lapse, if it has not already. I wanted you to want that from me on an emotional level for the same reason I wanted to feel your weight on my body. I do not want to pretend to passionately desire the hands of other men on my body. That takes sensual energy, even when feigned.

I want all of my sensual energy to flow your way. So I want you to want it all, whether or not you think you’re in any position to ask for it. Please treat me like your garden. Fence me in. Care for me,

16. Revelations, pontifications

I’m totally just waxing on here. I feel like the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland. I’m just sitting around on this toadstool pontificating about the finer points of our love. Except I’m not smoking from a hookah I’m eating taffy. Taffy I got from my happy sexy road-tripping daddy. Num num!

I am going to kiss on your neck a lot when I see you again. I am lazing about thinking of you, thinking of kissing you, and I really want to just bury my head there. I love the I love sounds you make when i make you feel good. I love the way you smell.

Our connection is comprehensive. It is both emotional and rational/intellectual. It is rooted in the realm of sensuality/physicality as much as it is based on idealism and romance. The result is satisfying.

I want to talk about what I mean when I refer to our intellectual connection. Our intellectual connection is what allows us to discuss our emotions and sexual chemistry with any sort of clarity or precision.

I really loved today how you described the way you actually respond to what is happening between us. You described the way your emotions manifested because you couldn’t find the appropriate words to describe your emotions. That was some top drawer communication skills from you, Craig, as far as I’m concerned. I just think our ability to work over ideas and wonder about stuff together is pretty special.

I can’t believe that I’m about to say what I’m about to say. Seriously, if anyone would have told me a year ago that I would use the word Im about to use, I would have told them to get outa town. So, here goes.

I think you are my soulmate.

Dude, I know.

15. Love for love’s sake

I have to write something or I will never be able to sleep in a million years, despite having taken my melatonin shortly after arriving home…which was hours ago. Since then, I have just been moving about the apartment, mostly keeping to my study and bathroom, doing things. Literally, I am a busybody tonight because what I am doing is keeping my body busy while my mind concerns itself with you. The memory of you. The reality of you in all of your kindness and sensuality.

My life is good, Craig. You are not my salvation. You are love for the sake of love. I want you because every inch of my body responds when I so much as think of you. And I think of you a lot.

8 AM cannot come soon enough.

14. A message for craig from an earlier iteration of cassidy

Good morning baby. You didn’t think I’d abandon this project, did you?

I just want to say how happy I am to have you back in my life after that little hiatus. I am speaking from an entirely selfish place when I say that. Your absence sort of left me sucking for air, having had the wind knocked out of me.

Your assignment is to go and listen to This Is For You PART TWO. The visual component is pretty much secondary to the whole thing, and I think you’ll get what I intend for you to glean from it just by listening to it after your run in your earbuds or in your big sexy truck on the way to work. It is essentially a Cassidy Codex.

Yes, I am admitting that I think that truck is hot AF, in case I haven’t come out and said that already.

I keep listening to the second part of This Is For You and getting a bit misty eyed. I have a lot of love for the version of myself who narrated that. I was 27 at the time. I hadn’t moved back in with my ex. I was coming off my first stint in hobby-land. I hadn’t gotten back into school. I wanted to love myself. I dreamed of feeling the way I feel with you, the way I feel about you…

I had no good reason for making that video whatsoever. My time would have probably been better spent filling out job applications. Nonetheless, I made it. In all fairness, I don’t recall that it consumed more than a day or two of my life. For whatever reason, as evidenced by it’s existence, I was compelled to make it.

Now, here I am, promoting it to a very exclusive audience. A vert sexy, sweet, and special audience.

In light of where I am now, particularly with respect to your presence in my life, This Is For You Part Two is, as we said, pertinent. I know it’s long, but I implore you, baby, to listen to what 27-year-old Cassidy has to say. It’s fairly obvious she’s speaking to you.

12. Some Housekeeping

This is exciting, isn’t it?

Finding each other again and falling into one another like we couldn’t before is such a satisfying feeling. We have this shiny new you and me that we still get to explore and figure out.

Structuring and building a relationship is really a collaborative and creative endeavor, particularly if we pay attention to what we are doing. I think you pay attention. I am paying attention too.

I think we were right to put a moratorium on direct correspondence these past several days. I have not managed to disconnect from you, like, at all…but I have not even tried. I have not even thought about trying, really. I’ll be interested in knowing how things worked out for you.

It has occurred to me that you probably didn’t know that I could write some shit out until recently, when we reconnected. I’m not sure that I ever wrote very much to anyone during the time when we first met. And if you didn’t know that about me based on our texts, then you surely know now.

Bless your heart. Thank you for reading my words. I mean every single one of them and all of them are for you and because of you.

Well, let me qualify that. All of my words are almost entirely for you, but they are also, in part, for me…as I suspect you are aware. I believe I’ve said as much.

Is it possible we think about one another more when we can’t communicate? I’m not sure. I mean, I thought about you a lot before the moratorium too. So it’s hard to say. It was just something I considered while washing my hair. Literally. That’s what I was doing when I had that thought.

I don’t have the answer and I think I should probably have this conversation with you through some other instrumentality.

Baby sweet baby, I miss you a lot. I love the song you added to our playlist and cannot wait to hear it on your voice. I am laying down for a little afternoon nap and I’m playing our highlight reel. My memory of you fills a vault in my mind.

I am so looking forward to making more memories.

11. Cassidy Coon’s List of Eternal Truths

You are the best lover I’ve ever had and probably ever will have. We were made to make love together. My mind and body flow into your mind and body. It is complete release.

I keep going back to what you said during our most recent time together. About that fear of falling over the edge possibly being suggestive of the opposing danger of holding on too tightly.

But to me, there is no holding on. There is nothing but a pouring out and letting in. If I fall over that edge, it’s not going to be despite my great efforts to hold on. It’s going to be because I let go of everything I could and that’s where the current took me.

Besides, I don’t know that what’s over this edge is some terrible thing. Assuming there’s an edge at all, I don’t know that we get sorted and separated from one another at the bottom of it. Maybe we keep flowing. Maybe it’s part of the ride.

Then there’s this bit of truth: the opposite of what you and I share is not pain and heartache. It’s indifference.

Craig, baby, thank you. I love writing love letters to you from the bottom of my heart. I know you read what I have to say, and so putting my feelings into words comes naturally. Like being near you. This way, I can be active in my affection for you. I think you understand that without me having to say it. Not me, though I didn’t get that until I wrote it down just now.

I will conclude by providing you with a list containing some more truths.

LIST OF ETERNAL TRUTHS ACCORDING TO CASSIDY COON

  1. I love your cock.

  2. You have captured my heart and I will never be the same.

  3. This is hard.

  4. This is worth it.

  5. I am unyielding and tenacious and get the things I really want.

  6. I really want this.

Also, I put Wild Horses back on the playlist, as it is supposed to be a cumulative body. We are only responsible for listening to the last two tracks added for the week though! I’ve already technically done my listen for Sunday, but I’ll do it again in the morning. Had your song in my head all day already! Kisses!

9. Wild horses

I am not responding to your comment via another comment bc I saw how it could start looking like a really convoluted means of texting. I don’t want you to feel like you have to check your phone all the time on my account.

So, I’m conflicted. Of course I want you to know I care about Charles III (is he the 3rd?). And of course I want to communicate with you if you’re otherwise unable to be with your family due to being stuck in an emergency room all afternoon. On the other hand, we had a plan with a purpose. Even though that purpose has perhaps been frustrated by exigent circumstances, I wish to always be respectful.

Sigh. I’m just going to not worry about it. Whatever will be will be?

I look forward to talking to you. I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t wished for a text from you saying you just had to. But there’s no way in hell I’m texting you. Even though my phone wants me to. Every time I go to look for an app or something it asks me if I want to send a message to Charles Washburn.

Why yes, I say. I do wish to send Mr. Washburn a message, I say. Cue that Stones song. No. Not the one about the Wild Horses. The one about how you can’t always get what you want.

And I don’t take it personally that the text doesn’t arrive from you. It’s funny what I end up being sensitive about and what I process more rationally. I haven’t yet learned the secret to that. I’ll tell you about it when I do, though.

7. In a Universe of Ambiguity…

…we find don’t have the luxury of certainty. Well, hardly ever. You are a luxurious hardly ever.

It’s been exactly one month since I reached out to you. As discussed previously, I think I had a few motives, all of which were not immediately obvious to me. But what a month.

There was a thin layer of dust forming on my heart that you knocked away. Now it’s shining, shimmering, and splendid.

Speaking of shining, shimmering, and splendid, I have voice memos of you and me singing on your patio that night I came out and we went to dinner and blew up trees and made love for what I believe culminated into several hours…if we added it all up.

Anyway, I just have a few recordings of us singing. Or rather, laughing and trying to sing. We are really sweet together. It’s pretty touching. As you might imagine.

I cannot wait to see a text from you on my phone. I cannot wait to hear your voice. I want to hear you say my name over and over again. I also want to hear you call me baby and all iterations thereof.

When I see you again, I am going to insist that you hold me for at least five minutes. I need to just appreciate your chest against mine. I can feel it still. I love the firmness and the broadness and the muscles in your chest.

Omg. I just thought about your spiderweb of Pre-cum and started cackling. I have to get a hold of myself. I miss you, sweetz I miss you from head to toe.

And I’m coming to take my hotdog maker. And all my fuckin Tiffany lamps. Buckle up.

6. You turn me inside out.

I want to go away with you.

I want to go away with you someplace and breath you in.

I want to go away with you someplace and breath you in, my body tethered to yours tightly by your arms.

You are a campfire in the cold desert I’ve been stumbling through all night.

We have been falling through time, as you’ve known all along.

You are the substance of rightness.

5. Your lips, your shoulders, and my fingertips

New songs on my playlist are a welcome and effective heart balm. Thank you sweetz.

I like to think about you singing to me. It makes me feel close and connected to you. Our closeness and our connection is the essence of you and me.

You are with me in all I do, Craig. I think about you all the time. I think about you as I move my body in my lagree classes. I think about you when I talk to the other men in my life because they’re not you. They can’t be. There’s not the same degree of closeness. The connection isn’t there. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just how it is.

You are good for me. You make me feel like I am, like, blooming like a flower. You tap into something that I thought had hardened up years ago.

4. Lower, softer…

Megan is really impressed by the barrister wig.

You are so thoughtful. You really made that so special for me. That day was the culmination of everything I’ve been working for. And you were there. You were the one there. With that wig.

I don’t know, Craig. I have never been treated The way you treat me. That’s not to say I’m treated poorly. Anyone can see that’s not true.

But the way you look at me makes my knees weak. The way you sing to me. And you listen. You care.

You get me. You really do. I have this easy intimacy with you. You have a full life and yet you manage to make me feel very….

I was going to say special. You do make me feel special. I loved walking into the dining room at Brennens and seeing how you looked at me like I was everything. I felt like everything. You have so much in your life besides me, and yet you make me feel like I am everything to you when we are together.

But Baby, it’s not just that you make me feel special. It’s that when I am with you, I feel like you think I am enough. And I that’s the big thing. It may be THE big thing. With you, I don’t feel like I have to sell myself because you’re on board with both feet. And I feel like I can exhale. I have been waiting my whole life to feel this way. It is as satisfying as I always dreamed it would be.

Megan also commented that you had obviously affected me. She said that she could hear how I felt in the way I speak about you.

How do I speak about you? Well, when I speak to her about you, I tell her first about how you treat me. The things we do.. I tell her that it’s not just how you treat me, but how you take me—in every sense of the word. When I speak about you, my voice gets a bit lower and a bit softer.

I think about how this time last week we were putting our clothes on and getting Chinese food and then we went out and we sang.

I understand why we can’t communicate. I really do. I know it has to be this way. I know. But also, it’s kinda killing me inside.

I’m taking some deep breaths. I think about your fingertips running up and down along my spine. I think about curving that spine upwards, pushing my heart against yours. You have completely blown my mind.

Also, got my spray tan.

God I miss you.

3. This bell will ring

I probably do not need to tell you that this morning is really difficult. Like every other day in July, I woke up and felt your presence in my mind. But this was the first morning in a long string of mornings this summer where I could not freely reach out to you.

I suppose this is what love affairs used to be like, minus the secret blog, before texting, before telephones. We would have to steal glances at one another at the market. I’d find your notes written in thick blue ink pinned to my clothesline next to my my most immodest garments.

This—writing this— feels better than it felt waking up two hours ago. My heart ached and I cried and I said, “baby, I miss you,” out loud a lot. I cried and said “baby,” softly over and over. I know you feel that too. I know you do. It’s a deep and real pain.

I am just going to lean into it. I am going to do the opposite of what I’d have done back when I didn’t trust my capacity to take care of myself. I am going to stop asking you not to hurt me and stop asking you not to lie to me.

Instead, I am just going to accept that either are possibilities beyond my control. Because wanting you means wanting all of the things you might bring. And I want everything. Every drop. So I have to be open. I have to let go and submit to the fact that I can end up hurt. That you’re another person with autonomy and a will and a life to live.

Because this is not about me. It’s not mine. And I’m sure you know it’s not about you and it’s not yours. I know you know that. The love we make is ours.

And I’m not even sure if that’s the right way to put it either.

The love we make is love. It exists separately from us. We are its co-creators. We can’t really control it once it’s out there. We can nurture it and respect it and honor it and allow it to color our lives as we move about the world, whether together or apart.

There. That. That feels better. That makes sense. For better or worse, I’m the sort of person who likes to make sense of things. I think you can relate.

I don’t know where I would leave my notes to you if there were no internet. I think I would try to find some way to interweave them throughout your life. So finding them wouldn’t be eventful, but part and parcel of each day. Sort of like you said I used to appear in your dreams from time to time. Like wearing a pair of coveralls and rolling out from under a car like a mechanic.

That’s how my notes would be.

I know this has been a lot, but writing this morning has been helpful to me. If it does nothing else for you, I know you appreciate that. But I hope it helps you too.

I want to kiss your cheeks, your mouth, and feel your racing heart slow down. Because we are good. We are at the beginning of a long, old-fashioned love affair.

2. This is 4u

You may have seen these already at some point. The sound isn’t always great. The editing isn’t perfect.

Enough with the prevarication and foreboding. I should be kind to the younger version of me who made these little videos during a time when I was trying to keep the lights on in my heart, my soul, and my apartment.

“I have space in my heart where I can escape to and talk to you, whoever you turn out to be, and hold you close.”

I think I been preparing for you for a long time.

1. Our Summer Romance

Who would have known this would happen.

When we make love together, it’s a ride. We’ve said that. We have. Do you see what I just did there? Have you noticed that we have developed our own cadence in our conversations? We don’t do it all the time. We don’t. But it’s something we do. We tend to do it when we are being affectionate. We do it two places especially: on the phone and in bed.

Anyway, as I was saying, when we make love together, it’s a ride. There are many different tempos, vibes. I can remember how your face looks above me with the light casting different shadows and highlights as we work our way all around whatever bed we are calling our own for the next day, half day, few hours, last minute, final moment.

My feelings surrounding your impact on my life are another ride. Two things: I feel them when you’re gone and I never feel anything about you that isn’t coming from the fact that i care about you so deeply. I feel so good that I get worked up and then it’s everything everywhere at once. And then I calm down. I do. It’s just I get scared sometimes. And that’s okay. Do you hear that? That’s the cadence again. I can hear it in the voice I write in. I wonder if you hear it too.