119. Loss

Hurt

love lovingly pledged

in a moment snatched away

heart quickly broken

118. This blog, like my heart, remains a place i can talk to you and hold you close.

Will she blog or won’t she blog? That’s the big question, is it not?

Of course I will still blog. It’s pretty much the only way I can fulfill the seemingly mutually exclusive criteria of two of my prior promises to you: (1) I have promised to never stop writing you love letters and (2) I have promised to never contact you.

You will see, in time, that I will keep my promises to you—with some exceptions to the one about contacting you. There are limited circumstances under which I may actually contact you, the most obvious one being if you contact me first. I will always respond to you…in every sense of the word “respond.” Also, I’ve decided to continue to allow comments. Just in case.

Although comments are enabled, I have disabled the “like“ button so that you may or may not read my musings and laments published henceforth. Whether you choose to read my words to you, I will be none the wiser. As far as I know, I’m screaming into a void—such a quintessentially human experience.

So, I’ll sign off on this first post of a new, perhaps final era of our love story after making a few points that I hope will set the mood going forward. I love you. I want for you to do what makes you happiest.

The door is always open on my end for you to waltz back into my life in whatever capacity you choose. I will always be your friend if you want and I will drop any man with whom I’m biding my time at the drop of a hat for you, I really hope you test me on that so that I can show you I wasn’t being silly when I said I don’t want anyone but you ever. I don’t and I won’t. Just you wait and see.

In the meantime, I will continue to write to you here pretty much every single day because it Is the only way I know to continue to actively love you, talk to you, and hold you close. My love for you remains alive and, true to form, I must express it loudly and often.



117. Merry christmastime. I love you.

4:30 A.M.

It’s Christmastime for you and I love you. I imagine that you’ve had seemingly much better Christmases than this one. Maybe remembering those Christmases is painful in the context of and in contrast to the fear and uncertainty you feel today. But I submit to you that this Christmastime is as much about love as any other Christmastime that came before and all the Christmastimes to come.

I’m sure you remember a Christmas Carol and our hot date. I’m sure you remember the three ghosts of Christmas: The Ghost of Christmas Past, The Ghost of Christmas Present, and The Ghost of Christmas Future. All the ghosts were all about love.

Your honesty is an act of love and kindness and, although I’m sure it seems otherwise, is a fitting Christmas gift. After all, Christmas is all about a miraculous birth under undesirable circumstances. A gift from God with no crib for a bed. So too comes love, full of hope and fragility as a newborn baby.

Merry Christmas, Craig. Our first, wherever you are. I love you. It’s Christmastime and I love you.


116. Roots

You told me once you were a tree. I am in acute agreement with you on this matter because I feel your roots inside me, growing into me. They seem to grow all night long.

I wake up wet between my legs. There is palpable hole in my universe. This hole happens to be in the shape of the mass of you Your name is my first waking thought today and everyday. These first moments, like so many others, are just you and me and white noise.

115. Baby Mine

I don’t think there has been a full two minutes since the beginning of July where I haven’t thought of you. Falling in love with you has been the single most significant event of my life.

114. The transformative power of surrender

I can’t wait to see you naked, to press up against you, to feel you naked. I can’t wait to see your sweet face and as you fill me up. I just got lost looking at pictures of you, admiring you, feeling love for you. I surrender to you.

113. Two texans

I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. I want to kiss you before you go to the gym. I want to kiss you when you get home from the gym. I want to kiss you goodbye before we go about our days.

I want to kiss you when we both get home. I want to kiss you before we go to sleep at night. I want to kiss you on the weekends, at lawn concerts, at bbqs, when you come inside for a snack and a drink of water after mowing the lawn.

I want to introduce you to my family and watch them fall in love with you. I want you to be a positive male role model for my darling baby brother. Oh, and did I mention how much I want to kiss you?

I want to continue our practice of talking on the phone as we commute to and from work. Maybe not every, and maybe not each way, but many days, at least one way. Or maybe both ways some days. I don’t know anything except that I want to be with you and that I want to be with you and that I want to be with you when I’m with you.

I want to be a good woman and I want you to be a good man and I want to be good together. Good to each other. Good for each other. I want to make the sweetest love. I to be your intimate buddy. I want to be two Texans in love.

112. Between you and me

I am here and you are there. I spend time thinking about the night and space (the distance) between us because I believe that things must be defined before they can be made to disappear. The only things I want left between you and me are intangible: love, friendship, trust, etc.

I don’t want anything separating my physical body from yours right now. I want to hold you close and let my hands wander. I want you to hear me cum while your head is between my thighs. I want to kiss you until my clit is about to burst. Both my pussy and my eyes are swollen from all this thinking about you.

I long for your company in every capacity.

I am in love with you.

This is what that looks like—using words.

111. Talking with you

I love everyplace and everyone that has made you who you are because all are a part of you. I cherish the paths that led you to me and me to you.

Let’s pretend we’re together. We’re sitting in your truck in a parking lot near my apartment. I can’t take my eyes off you. I think you are incredible. You naturally communicate with me in a way that is unlike anything I’ve ever known.

Some of the things we talk about are delicate. Sometimes, the things we talk about even seem dangerous, as if the words we exchange are sharp and pointy objects.

The way we talk touches my heart. That’s what I mean to say.

110. I’ve Been Expecting You

You are a strong and sexy man. When you hold me, I feel your warmth. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel safe. When I look into your eyes, I am reminded of the kind of love I’ve longed for, searched for, needed my whole life. I see that sweet kind of love in your eyes.

My heart expected you each and every day of my life until the day I met you. Then, when that day came, I was oddly unprepared. If I believed in fate, I’d say the universe was overly excited for us to meet and jumped the gun, causing our souls to collide prematurely. But I’m ready now. My heart is ready. I still expect you everyday.

I took a deep breath first time I laid my eyes on you last summer. A breath which I never exhaled. It’s still inside me. I’m holding it, It’s here right now, and it’s never leaving.

109. classy obstacle course

It remains the case that in the aftermath of any one of my nighttime ventures to the kitchen or to the bathroom, my foggy mind is under the impression that I am crawling back into bed with you.

I still think I am with you, that I am falling back asleep next to you. That there is no city. No Tim. No white noise. Just you and your world. I imagine your body in the darkness. I imagine your face.

I think silly things related to my imagined concerns that only exist in this alternate reality. Things like, “of course Craig knows how to make an obstacle course look classy.”

If Tim does not reach for me, I think I can exist every night like this, thinking I’m with you. There are no arms like your arms, No hands like your hands. No body like yours.

Therefore, should I inadvertently come into contact with any one of those things, I will try not to be alarmed by the realization that you are not there and that I would not see your face if I searched for it.

So all night long, when I’m in my bed, I try to touch nothing and keep my eyes closed. And this brings me peace.

108. hopefully come morn

Hi baby.

I don’t want to say anything to make you sad or make you hurt. I feel conflicted because it makes my heart swell when you say we’re going to stay together, but at the same time, thinking about staying with me makes you sad.

Being with you over the past few weeks has really meant a lot to me, which also makes me feel conflicted because I know you had asked me for that time to yourself.

It upsets me so much that the things that have made me the happiest recently seem to require the expense of your feelings and emotional well-being. But, at the very least, know that I really needed that time with you.

I needed to talk to you. I needed to sleep with you, eat with you, and practice living a life with you in a non-Utah setting. I am so grateful I got to do that and I really hope you don’t regret it.

It goes without saying that I love you endlessly and hope that you wake up happier today than you were when we last communicated. I am so sleepy and I am sure i have inundated you with enough words today to last several months. So goodnight my sweet love. May your spirits be revitalized upon the morning light.

107. Pedicures

I am so pleased to be with you, in presence, right now. I was going to say that you have no idea how happy that makes me, but I stopped myself…because I think you know that I am happy with you.

We are indulging in pedicures right now. We are both getting massages on our lower legs and feet. I can’t stop looking over ar you. You look so sweet. I wish I could stay here forever.

106. Thanksgiving

Nov 24

Hey there, Stud.

Happy Thanksgiving. I am so very thankful for our love. My love for you comes from the sweetest part of myself. The more I love you, the sweeter I become. The world is so much better when I am sweet. It’s better for everyone when I am sweet, but most of all, for me.

Because I am grateful, I want you to spread me out like a quilt and lie down on top of me. I want to be your special blanket, warm from the slow and building heat of your body long after I wrapped you up inside me.

Because I am grateful, I suck on your love like a piece of hard candy. I carry it tenderly like an extremely powerful animal would carry a precious and fragile one in the private cave of my mouth.

And also, my love, my light, my joy, my all, I am also grateful for our nakedness in love. Our naked bodies in love. Our naked truth in love.

Thank you for the love you give me.

Thank you for letting me love you.

105. Memory lane

I hope you slept well, baby, with your fancy new mouth gear.

Me? I’m in the car right now. Just took myself a little catnap. Well, I wasn’t really sleeping. I just put the seat back for a while and enjoyed the memory of kissing your cheeks in Snooze, the feel of your beard on my lips.

Then the memory of your lips on my lips. Then the memory of the color of your eyes. Then the memory of your eyes. I love your gentle eyes.

104. Come and get me

I cannot wait to be with you for two weeks. Thank you for understanding and giving me that. You were right about it benefitting you and me for you to take time to think. But I think it’s very important for you and me to get an extended period of time to be you and me together.

And besides that, baby, I need that touchy feely time with you. I need to be in your arms as much as possible in this lifetime. So, thank you. It means a lot to me to be there. My only regret is that it comes somewhat at the expense of the time to think you asked for, which, as you pointed out, benefits not just you, but our relationship.

That being said, being in your presence is soothing to me. I am very much looking forward to being with my family over the upcoming several days, but I also know that the moment I see you will bring both peace and joy. I don’t think there can ever be too much of either of those things. You make love to me and you make sense for me.

103. I want to fuck you with words

All my life, have been waiting inside myself for you to find me. This is true at both the physical and emotional level. You know my body and mind like no one ever has or ever will.

Your body haunts my body. Your love haunts my heart and mind. I want this, and although wanting you to stay is not the same as love, it is, in part, how love makes itself known.

I want to crawl inside you. I want to fuck you with words. I want you to feel inhabited and discovered.

102. Grit

I want you to know that, although things are difficult—like, really, really difficult—I think you and I are doing well. I can’t speak for you, but from where I stand, we manage to talk about really hard things at despairingly great lengths and eventually come out the other side. We’ve got some grit, baby.

So there’s that. And it’s also the case that I remain completely and utterly in love with you. I told you already that I really feel like you understand me when I come to you and explain myself. I want to emphasize how much I appreciate that about you.

I hope that someday you feel like I understand you the way I feel you understand me because it feels so very nice. But I think you need to feel like you understand yourself before you feel like anyone else understands you.

Good god. I fucking love you. I see your face and I just melt. I am glad you were able to get some jelly on your sweet nose. I only wish I could have been there to perform the gentle cleansing of the jelly. And wash your feet. And kiss you deeply.

101. Real Things

Your identity is not real. It is not real in the sense that you cannot hold it. You cannot give it a kiss. It’s not a person. It’s an idea. It’s a narrative about who you are. It’s a country song set to the tune of a set of lofty ideals.

And it’s a false narrative, in some respect. Because you aren’t perfect. Your marriage isn’t perfect. You aren’t the prototype. And that’s okay. You must already know that on some level.

I am a person. A real live person. You see me. You hold me. You kiss me. Why would you put a narrative above me? Why would a set of ideals be more important than a real person? That’s something that you probably need to figure out.

Real people are more important than ideals.

Emotions are more important, more immediate, than identity.