Tonight we had a really good conversation. We talked about some hard things. We got emotional and we worked through it. We also talked about some fun things like crazy looking angels and shining a blue light in my pussy juice. I want you to know I am falling asleep happy to have gotten to spend time with you throughout today. I love you so very much.
199. Humdinger
My Sweeeeeetz. My Darling.
My light. My Joy. My all.
We live in a world that is so very terrifying, wonderful, and wild. This is true together or apart. I find peace kissing you, even amidst the chaos. On certain days, I think you might say to me that our kissing is part of the chaos. And on those days I’d agree with you. I’d say, Baby, you’re right, because there’s beauty to be observed in chaos, and if our kissing adds to it, it’s only to make it even more beautiful.
I loved hearing from you throughout the day yesterday. I especially loved talking to you at the very end of the evening. I love laughing with you while I lay on the floor of my study, lolling about on the floor, just talkin’ to my boyfriend. My buddy. This man I’ve fallen in love with. You really are a humdinger, you know?
It is almost surely imperceptible to you, but over the past week, I’ve felt the stirring of a slight shift in me. The quality of my attachment to you is, for whatever reason, trending towards security. I am not exactly sure why and I can assure you I will dwell on this realization and elaborate as I can. This doesn’t mean I’m grasping harder or anything. In fact, it’s kind of the opposite. It’s like I’m noticing that our love breathes on its own.
In the talk you watched yesterday in group, Brene Brown says that if you cannot measure something, then it is not real. I understand what she means. And I would say our love, and love in general, is real. So how do we measure love?
I think we measure love against itself. We perceive it blossom, grow, and transform within the context of time passing. Once it wasn’t there. Now it is and always will be. It’s like the skin around a soap bubble. Our love has the space and capacity for an infinite number of realities inside it. For everything.
Our love has profoundly changed my life. At first, it hit me like a brick: Funny thing is that the more expansive it becomes, the lighter it gets. Lighter than the air it breaths. This is the sort of thing that endures.
Wow.
198. Tried, tested, true
I don’t feel great after the conversation we had this evening and I’m not sure why. I feel like whenever you make statements like such as, “I have been unwavering in my commitment to my marriage,” you are rubbing the fact that your marriage is top priority in my face. All I have been trying to do with you since Christmas is to find the grace within myself so that I could use it to love you with everything I’ve got while coexisting with the knowledge that you value your marriage over my everything.
Then there’s the more analytical part of me that’s critical about this implicit proposition that being unwavering in one’s commitment signifies a particularly strong commitment anyway. Consider how in the scientific method, nothing can be true unless it is able to be tested. Likewise, your unwavering commitment to staying married represents a hypothesis that staying married is the most valuable thing to do—but if you’re not able to subject that commitment to serious scrutiny, then that hypothesis about the valuation of your marriage can never be Truth. It can be true to you, though, without being The Truth. I think that true to you is good enough, though. :)
If you want me to go away I’ll just go away. I feel like youre making decisions that directly impact me and discussing them with everyone but me. I feel strange about the fact that I clearly love driving up there in order to maintain a sense of closeness, but I’m disallowed the privilege to see you face to face.
Then, you say you have so much to lose. Do you not think that my everything is worth everything to me? How is it possible that your everything has more everything in it to you? You’ve suggested that my inability to put myself in your shoes prevents me from seeing things your way—as if that’s necessarily a bad thing. I think it’s pretty hard to predict the course of a hurricane if you’re standing in it.
Then there’s the fact that you tell me that you’re staying married but that you think you’re actually going to get a divorce, You said that tonight and sort of alluded to it earlier this week. I think you can understand how I would be confused by this. I think I understand what you mean, but would rather talk about it with you than put words in your mouth.
I would write more but I need to get ready to drive out there so I can be back on time for lagree. I will wind this down by saying that I love you and that my love for you has been subject to many tests. My love has been tried, My love for you has been tested. Therefore, my love for you is True.
197. Rubbing Intellects
My sweet love, I miss you so. I can’t tell you how much I value our Book Club. It feels nice to rub our intellects together. I really enjoy getting into the text with you. You’ve helped me get so much more from what I’ve read before and are good at patiently parsing out the unfamiliar with me.
I think about you all the time. I long to hold your hand in mine and lay my head on your shoulder. I want to hold you softly and make a bed for Love to rest.
196. Book Club
The blog, like my love for you, knows no bounds.
I just wanted to sketch out some analysis I’ve been doing in my head about Agathon’s speech. That way, we can get on to what Socrates/Diotima have to say. I can’t wait to talk about that with you.
What I want to get at about Agathon is not so much about all the glowing things he says about what Love is and what it causes. Taken at face value, Agathon’s account of Love is not tragic at all. Despite the fact that he’s a tragedian writer, his explanation is quite bright. However, when we consider the implications on the human condition were his account of Love to be true, there’s actually an undercurrent of tragedy beneath the surface of what he has to say.
Agathon begins his speech by saying that the speeches before his fell short because they didn’t identify what Love was or what it caused. First, we get a bunch of adjectives that are supposed to prove that Love is beautiful: young, delicate, supple, sensitive. Then, he starts talking about the Virtues: justice, moderate, courageous, and wise (leaving out the virtue of piety, which is usually included among the Virtues when Plato talks about virtues). When he gets to wisdom, he praises Love for essentially being a maker/poet of wisdom. He says that Love is responsible for the creation of music, the mating of animals, and a number of other arts.
When he gets to what Love causes, he says Love is the cause of the most beautiful and best things. It is the cause of human beings coming together for sacrifices, for festivals, and for dancing. All three of these human gatherings have religious or pious connotations. The audience goes wild with applause.
I would argue that the subtle tragedy in Agathon’s speech takes root in the seemingly offhand comment he makes when he’s talking about fellow poet Hesiod’s Jerry Springer-esque account of the Gods. Although Hesiod’s telling of godly activities involves the gods reproducing through erotic couplings, Agathon says that this just was not true. He says that there was not Love among the gods and that this was evidenced by all the castrating and violence they had going on. Had the gods been objects of Love, according to Agathon, they’d have been way more chill. Rather, the gods in the tales of Hesiod and Parmenides were “agents of Necessity” and did not exist in a world alongside Love, if they ever existed at all.
In other words, Agathon is saying that poets such as Hesiod, Parmenides, and of course, himself are the ones who tell us about the gods. This move, like Love itself, is supple and sneaky because he later says that Love itself is a great poet. I think he is suggesting the Love is, at bottom, the poet’s faculty. Even though he started out his whole speech by telling us that Love is a god and lavishly praises it as such, what he’s really saying is that there is no God and that we are alone in this world. That is why there is no piety in Love itself. Instead, piety arises in the human expression of the experience of Love.
Stepping back, we see that Agathon’s words are disingenuous—he does not think that Love itself is a god whose supple form allows it to trickle down into the softest and most minute crevices of our souls and cause us to to create good and beautiful things. If human beings unite in the name of Love Our God in order to praise and worship, then their piety is in vain. Because, by Agathon’s account of Love, there is no God except the one created in the flowering language of poetry. The words of poets, including those being spoken by Agathon at the Symposium, are what is beautiful and good and the world. The words of poets cause human beings to believe in Love, to believe in gods, to believe that Love is a God, and to gather together in order to praise Love.
In fact, that’s precisely what is going on at the Symposium, is it not? Everyone has gathered in honor of Agathon, the great tragic poet. That is why, upon hearing his beautiful, albeit vacuous words about Love, everyone is moved to applause.
I hope this makes sense, Sweeeeetz, and look forward to hearing whether you have anything to add to it.
I love you. I love loving you. I love to love loving you.
195. Butterfly
I miss you and feel like my world is turned upside down. Your presence in my life is important to me and I am so scared that you’re going to exit again. It is difficult for me to think about anything but that. I am afraid that you didn’t call today because you’ve decided to stop talking to me altogether. The last time that happened was traumatizing for me and I am deeply concerned about reliving that.
I realize that it maybe just wasn’t possible or that maybe you just need this time to yourself. Please reach out. Tell me you’re thinking about me and that you’re okay. I love you.
Also, I’ve now learned the laws on voluntary psychiatric admissions. If you have any trouble, let me know. Not that you can read this.
194. On call
Hi baby. I have my phone in my hand at all times so that I do not miss your call. I just got back from lagree. I had my phone in my hand or in front of me on the megaformer machine at all times throughout both classes. I know you’re okay and that you’re doing what is necessary. I just love you so much and want to tell you so. I hope I get to talk to you when you can talk. I want to be there for you. Please reach out.
193. 832-931-7456
I do love you. I genuinely do.
I am upset I keep missing your calls.
I want you to know that going won’t mention anything about the general contents of “Rock Bottom” post. It’s not something I think I need to be trying to persuade you about whatsoever. So, I won’t be bringing up again for a good while. It’s just not helpful for me to say more beyond what’s been said at this point.
But I do love you in the most expansive way. No matter what.
*I deleted the “Rock Bottom” post after thinking on it for awhile. You don’t need that shit from me. Just love and caring.
192. Hello darkness, my old friend
191. Sex Tape No. 1
190. More Texas
I love you. That’s the long and short of it. I want you to know that I am not in the same place as I was on Christmas. I am less delicate. I’m more Texas.
And so are you.
But I love you as much as I did then. In fact, I love you more. I feel secure in our love for one another in a way that I didn’t before we broke up. Before I let go of some unnecessary ropes.
Now, the view is beautiful from up here, but getting here has been a bit terrifying at times—like climbing Angels Landing.
I know you. I know you understand. Thank you for being with me, Craig Baby.
189. Love slave
My Darling, I loved speaking to you today about the Symposium. It was deeply fulfilling to me. Before you came back into my life last June, I was lamenting that I didn’t have anyone to read philosophy books with. It’s really much better to read philosophy with others and talk about it. I just think you end up getting so much more out of it.
I love reading it with you and getting your take on what’s being said. I hope this is a practice you and I carry forward in our relationship because it is such a great pleasure to me. You seem to enjoy it too.
Like the lovers Pausanias talks about, I would do wild stuff in the name of love for you. I would be your lil’ love slave. Despite circumstances, loving you has always felt like the path to virtue. I am acutely aware that it hasn’t always felt that way for you. That’s fine, baby. It’s totally understandable that it wouldn’t. I’m just saying that for me, you’ve always felt right.
You had a banner day, my love. I am hopeful too. I want you to know I am both so happy for you and also that I want to be very sensitive to your feelings. I want to hold your hand gently and walk forward softly.
188. Couch
I had a fight with Tim tonight that had nothing to do with you. Everything is okay. I am just very tired and really want to write you a really fun blog from the perspective of Maya Sweet about what she would imagine you’re going to do to me tomorrow (based on the fucking you gave her). But I am sleepy and a little melancholy and I am sleeping on the couch for the first time and that’s weird. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow, baby sweet baby.
187. Purple haze
You are not my everything, but you are my night sky. You do not belong to anyone except yourself. As for me, I am a mirror. I’m not the only mirror, but I am a particular mirror. I can show you things about yourself that no one else can. But I can’t show you everything. No one can show you everything.
I love going about in the world with you, watching suns and moons rise and fall in that purple haze that lies outside other people’s field of vision. Things we only see together because of the way we see things together. We hear music only birds hear. We sit in each other’s souls.
186. Hookers, burritos, & church, oh my!
Tomorrow is a big day for you and me. It is going to be very exciting and sexy to watch you…and be with you…and watch you. I want to just be completely immersed in fucking with you.
Then, I want to go eat a good hot meal and sit close to each other and giggle. I want to regale one another with how impressed we were with each other’s prowess. I want to publicly bask in our shared afterglow.
Then, I want you to take me home with you and for us to brush our teeth together. I want to get in bed with you and kiss you and giggle some more. I want to fall asleep being held by you and to take turns spooning each other all night long.
When we wake up, give me anything you’ve got left. Let’s have a lazy Saturday. I know you’ve got project stuff, but that’s just fine. We are going to have a wonderful time just being so sweet. And of course, our burrito. Perhaps we can form some snails from clay too. Maybe a little din din at HPL. Then more snuggling. And on Sunday, I will wake up and give you a rejuvenating blow job before getting into my Sunday best.
Then, we will go together to a special place to me. The Methodist Church. I can’t help but feel my grandfather’s presence there. And Bill, my gentle, kooky friend will be there being gentle and kooky.
I’m looking forward to fulfilling our itinerary, my sweet baby angel creature hunky thing. We will, per usual, commune together and adore each other through and through.
I also loved our time today. It is always magical to see you and kiss you. Your kisses are somehow comforting and passionate at the same time. I also really loved your MP’s. You’re so handsome and sexy baby. Maya Sweet and I sure are lucky ladies. ;)
185. Texas tornado
Today was wonderful for me because I got to be close to you. The way we are together is so special. You are always in my heart. I am very tired tonight, Craig, and I feel disappointed in myself for not writing a longer blog, but I really want to sleep. But I need you to know that you are the last thing I think about before I close my eyes and the first thing I think about after I close my eyes.
Tomorrow, your lil Texas tornado is gonna blow you away with a flurry of kisses, baby. The sweetest kisses.
184. My constant companion
Baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s me being a little ant on a praise-march. A praise-march is the kind of march little ants do to celebrate love. And that’s what I want to do when I think about you, my Sweeeeeeetz. A praise march. Baby baby baby!
I had such a good day with you, baby. So many kinks and turns. We pretty much started and ended the day together. It was a long one, wasn’t it? I love seeing your handsome face on my phone when you call. Nothing makes me more happy than a call from Mr. Washburn.
Goodnight, my sweet lover boyfriend sex stick buddy soulmate. Goodnight my constant companion. You are with me. I am kissing you. I am holding you. I am loving you. Always.
183. Full throttle
You need to know that I trust you. I realize I said I didn’t. To me, trust means feeling emotionally safe, and I feel emotionally safe with you. Or rather, I feel as emotionally safe as I think I need to feel.
We’ve discussed before how it’s not possible to give someone your heart with complete confidence that it won’t get broken. If that’s the level of trust that has to be there, then I think it would be really hard to experience love in the way I want to experience it—full throttle.
I think loving entails letting go. I think what happened over Christmas was a betrayal in the sense that what you decided to do flew in the face of what I wanted and what you told me you would do. But, at the end of the day, you changed your mind, and that’s okay. I would never want you to make such a radical change in your life for the sake of meeting my expectations.
I would never want you to not be true to yourself for the sake of me. What I want is you. All of you. I want to love your heart and everything in it: I want to love you in your purest form. I can trust you to the extent you are free to be yourself.
Also, I am sorry for making that comment after you told me about how you sweetly got me a birthday present. The comment about how the present was evidence of your intention to stick around after my exams. What a shitty thing of me to have said in response. I sure am sorry about that. I can be a real idiot.
But I am an idiot who loves you. I loved you reading to me today, you naughty thing, you. I loved our therapy sesh. I loved kissing you on that chair afterwards. I over how you picked my nose for me in your truck. You better save that booger. That is a unique souvenir.
I love you, my sexy confederate. I love you and trust you.
182. Snow bunnies
Baby, baby, baby, our love is so fine and special. In you, I feel like I’ve found my partner in crime. Two bunnies running in the snow. You bring such joy and warmth to my life. That’s why I’m able to be a snow bunny with you. You energize me. You run and play with me. You shelter me from the cold. You are my sanctuary. You are my love. You are laughter.
I feel so strongly bonded to you. With you, I wish to heal. With you, I wish to grow. We both have so much healing and so much growing to do. I don’t know what all that entails. I just know I want to do it with you, Craig. I love loving you. I love how you love me.
181. Naked cowboy
Baby, thank you for the most wonderful afternoon. My most favorite place to be in the entire world is in your arms. I make movies in my mind when we are together. I take such pleasure in replaying them as I drift off to sleep. You are what I desire, what I always have desired, and what I always will desire.
I took this picture of the bed right after we made love the first night I stayed with you after you picked me up after Thanksgiving. That’s the scene of the crime, my sweetz.
But today…you in those cowboy boots all naked for me. I will always remember that, baby! The picture remains on my mind, clear as day. I love you, Craig. As usual, that’s all I’m trying to say. I love you endlessly. What is it like to watch me fall in love?