160. Secret language

Baby baby baby. It means so much to me that you will go to therapy with me. No one has ever wanted to go to therapy with me before. It’s very romantic. :)

I loved sitting in the back of the car with your head in my lap. I love petting you and stroking your sweet face. I feel much better than I did yesterday. I need to see you stay with me. And I did. And I do.

I love waking up to you. Not just in the morning, but also from naps. I am just happier when you’re there waiting. You understand me so well it’s bizarre. You know about snails under leaves and white bunnies in the snow. You just know the habitat of my brain.

That’s why sex is so phenomenal. You read me because you’re fluent in our secret language. That’s also why I miss you when we aren’t together. I don’t have anyone who speaks to me like you. But, oh, I love to miss you. The only thing I love more than missing you is being with you, talking to you, making love to you, laughing with you, eating with you, playing with you, and dancing with you.

Talking with you is so fun for me because it’s a often a creative process. I love your ideas. I love hearing about your feelings and what you think about your feelings and what you think about my feelings. I could go on and on with you. I love hearing your stories and learning about who you are. I have only ever fallen further and further in love with you, Craig.

I am so grateful to have met you. Really. You have changed my entire life.

159. Bouncy

You are my sweet bouncy thing. It’s true. You are very bouncy. I like bouncing on you. I like bouncing ideas off you. I like bouncing in the passenger seat of your truck while we’re driving down the road and hanging out. I like bouncing back from my own failure to you. I like bouncing back from together from anything even more.

156. Part of Loving

I’m still at the vets office, waiting on Midge. I thought I might take a few minutes to roll around with some topics you and I brushed up against during our conversation yesterday evening.

We talked about how you were a people-pleaser and how you disliked hurting people. You mentioned that you had managed to say things to me that you didn’t want to say and that doing so took a lot.

I guess what was on my mind last night that I couldn’t figure out how to say that it seemed to me that it was easier to tell me hard things than others. I honestly do not know how I feel about that now.

I know want you to be honest with me, even when it hurts me. I accept you and want you to be happy, even if that’s being without me.

I’ve always felt that way. It’s part of loving.

154. Consolation

I keep thinking g about what you meant when you said we console each other when we make love together. I know what it meant to me. It meant something so specific that i wouldn’t be surprised yo learn it meant something different to you. It would be interesting to know either way.

153. My baby is sweet and the marathon is over

You are the sort of man who would crawl from the foot of the bed in a blanket tunnel to kiss my nose. You’re also the sort of man who would fall to his knees for me. You celebrate your feelings for me when we are together. I think that’s what I’m getting at.

I was thinking today about how you were when we met nearly eight years ago. Specifically, I was thinking about your silliness. That was definitely still there. And then I was thinking about how your silliness comes from a place of joy. You were joyous when we first met, baby. You used to laugh like you couldn’t believe what was happening. I think that’s so sweet. And I was silly with you too. Our silliness is part of our intimacy. Oh, and you still laugh like that.

I love being silly with you. I love telling each other the nasty things we are gonna do to each other. I love when we actually do the nasty things. I love when we forget to do the nasty things and do sweet things instead. It’s all just sweetness, silliness, and nastiness.

I am so glad the marathon is over and I don’t have to worry about how to handle that commitment. I feel like I did the right thing for me today with respect to that. Now I can forget about it. My baby is sweet to me. The marathon is over. All is right in the world. I must make the bar exam my bitch.

I think I might actually sleep through the night baby. I’m going to fall asleep thinking about having my butt pushed up against you. I love that, baby. And I love you with all my heart. I really do.

I can’t wait to wake up to another day with you in my life. That’s the dang truth.

152. I’ll be your mirror

I cannot stop thinking about being with you this morning. The way you work your body on me is so hot baby. its like you’re a hot sexy tornado of destruction and I’m a lil’ ol’ trailer park of carnal desire.

You and me have something really special, don’t we? You feel so natural to be with. Even more so than ever before. I see you, hear you, smell you, touch you, taste you, and you just make sense to me. When I am in your arms, every single moment of life that has come before has meaning. If only because it is part of the path that led me to you.

Craig, even when you hide from me, when you put your face in your hands and cry, when you tell me you’re broken, I see you. I want you to put your hands down and lift up your head when you’re hurting like that, so that you can look at me. What you see in me is what I see in you. You’re beautiful too. So beautiful.

You looked down at me when we were dancing. And you looked just like you did on the kitchen in the A-Frame on the mountain in Utah. Did you do that on purpose? Are you seducing me, Mistah Wahrshboirn?

Thank you for the running belt. It is so perfect. It’s almost as if you’ll be giving my hips a lil squeeze the whole way! Mmmmmm. I love those paws of yours on my tiny baby hips, you know. I really, really love that. It makes me purrrr like a kitten when you grab me there.

Also, I always put a note of inspiration in each shoe. This year, I’ll be using the notes you placed in the box you left with Sam. Youll be wrapped around my guts, in my mind, my heart, and my shoes tomorrow, my Sweeeeeetz..

Also, I love that Tauer perfume. It takes me back to the most romantic, most special, most happy time I’ve ever had in my life. Every time I wear it you’ll have transported me to Utah all over again. It’s such a sweet piece of our love story.

And, of course, I love you…:most ardently.

151. Squirmy

I told you today, yet again, that you are the love of my life. Then I proceeded to tell you I didn’t know what that meant. And that’s just bullshit. I know what I mean when I say it…otherwise I wouldn’t make it my business to say it.

It’s just that it has made you uncomfortable in the past when I’ve said it, and I don’t actually like upsetting you, so I didn’t try very hard to explain myself. We have so many other things to talk about that are fun. You know, things that don’t make you squirm.

Or maybe it’s me who gets all squirmy. I’ve never professed to anyone that they were the love of my life. Plus, it’s a pretty awkward thing for me to profess to you, of all people, given that you have a wife you love very deeply, and whom you probably consider to be the love of your life. I would imagine you struggle with what to say to that, and I am sorry for any discomfort.

But all I am saying when I tell you that you are the love of my life is that (1) I’ve never loved anyone like I love you and (2) my desire is to nurture and tend to that love because iI know myself, I know my needs, and I know what I want. That’s all. I don’t expect you to say anything back, let alone reciprocate.

What I want is for you to believe me. I want you to accept that you are the love of my life and that feeling that way about you makes me happy. In other words, bear witness to this incredible love I’m experiencing for the first time. It’s fucking amazing.

I love you, my darling Craig. I have spent my whole life until I met you wheezing and trying to catch my breath. I was always grasping and frantic and fumbling. But you made everything slow down for me.

Since I’ve met you I’ve noticed that I spend a lot less time reacting to the world around me and more time being present in it. Why rush through the days anymore? I can breath, baby. What a feeling.

148. Mr. Fun Time

Dearest Craig,

How about a good old fashioned love letter?

You make me feel like a teenager again because teenage love is sweet and pure. The sweetness and purity of my love for you is a sensation that touches everything inside me. You make me feel comfortable telling you anything, like my most bestest friend ever. You make me giggle…ALOT. I want to kiss you endlessly, only to stop and whisper romantic things in your ear. You are my Mr. Fun Time.

You made me feel like a teenager when you carved our names into a tree and into a hippie bus. You make me feel like a teenager when we make out in your truck. You make me feel like a teenager because we have our songs.

I am completely smitten by how handsome you are, by your silliness, by the way you treat me like a little doll sometimes, by the way you look at me with apparent infatuation, lust, and desire. All over those things make me feel like a teenager again.

Loving you makes me feel vibrant. I love yearning for you. I love lusting for you. I love craving you even as I devour you.. All of the songs and poems about love can be traced back to you and me, because our love just feels that grand. That’s that teenage love.

My eyes light up for you. I love you eagerly. Rolling around with you, lying in your arms really was dreamlike. But I also cherish all the other ways you touch me as I go about my day when we aren’t together.. I am beyond falling hard . I am beyond reckless abandon. I am beyond in love with you.

I am hopelessly in love with you, and my love for you is sweet and pure.

Love,

Cassie

147. Blasphemy

I want you to know how much I love seeing you happy. I want you to know how happy I am just thinking about you. You crack me up.

I really love laughing at ourselves together. It’s one of my favorite things to do with you. We are sort of ridiculous. I keep thinking about you yelling, “Fuck God!” That’s perfect, baby.

Is it wrong to be proud of you for that?

146. All I wanna do is make love to you

I love running my tongue over your lips. I love you running your tongue over mine.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t thinking about your kisses right now. That I’m not thinking about your legs intertwined with mine. That right now, I can’t get your nakedness out of my brain…not that I would ever want to. You are so sexy in all the ways I care about.

I love how you look underneath me. It drives me absolutely wild. I love looking down and seeing you disappear into me. I have never responded to a man’s touch like I respond to yours. I have never responded to a man’s presence, either in my mind or in the flesh, as I do yours. You make bells ring for me. You make me weak in the knees.

I love pushing your hair back from your face. Touching your eyebrows. Pulling your ears. You are such a sensual man.. You are also such a silly man. You are seething mass of masculinity, sensuality, and silliness. I love melting into you as we make love. There’s a part of me that exists in our lovemaking that doesn’t exist anywhere else.

144. Lover

Dear Mistah Wahrshboirn,

Seeing you was somethin’ else.

Kissing you. Touching you. Holding each other. Laughing. Eating delicious cereal. You singing to me with my head on your chest. I have emerged from our afternoon love cocoon as a butterfly.

Not only do I feel much better than I have felt since you broke up with me two weeks ago, but I feel better than I have in months. It’s as if a giant weight has been lifted off my chest.

Thank you for seeing me, Craig. I don’t feel like a lot of people would have understood what I was asking for when I spoke to you Saturday. I feel like a lot of people would look at this blog, look at my fucking karaoke songs, at my Marco Polos, etc. and write me off as a weirdo. I mean, I sang Hallelujah…and meant it.

I know you don’t think im a weirdo—at least not in a discriminatory way. This is what I was talking about when I said I always felt comfortable putting my emotions out there with you. You are not afraid of intimacy. You don’t ever make me feel judged. I need that. You are a safe place for me. I love you for that.

Making love with you—all of it—is out of this world. I can’t rightly explain, but it was very emotional for me to feel you enter me. It was so sensual and, dare I say, erotic. But also, I was overwhelmed by all these other feelings that I can’t quite describe.

Yeah. That’s right. 🎶🎵 Indescribable feeeeeeeelings 🎶🎵

I mean, really. I can’t describe the tidal wave of feelings that swept over me at that moment….except to say that they were wonderful feelings and that there were many of them. If you know what I’m talking about and can string together better words to explain it, be my guest. Moments like these, where I’m at a loss for words, are rare.

I love you, Craig. It is impossible for me to tell you that too much. Once is enough to last forever, but I can never say it too much. I love being your friend. Your lover. Your buddy. Your escape. Your girlfriend. Your whatever. Your anything. It’s all the same. It’s all everything.

It’s all in love.

Love, Cassie

P.S. See below.

142. Retro

I’ve been thinking about how the way you seem right now to me seems more like how you were when I met you in 2014 than when we reunited last summer. Oddly, I am also more like I was in 2014 than I was when we met last summer too.

This is not to say that I think that either of us needs to ghost the other. In fact, I don’t know that this observation is very useful in terms of saying what the future holds. I think it’s more helpful in understanding how we got here and who we are together.

You were all over the place in 2014, as you’re aware. I was not what was making you crazy, although I understand you were confused by your feelings for me. But there was something else, and I think that something—whatever it was—-is what put you in the position to meet me in the first place.

As for myself, the way I feel now is not unlike I felt during the time you knew me back in 2014-15. I was in a relationship that was touch-and-go at the time (with Tim). It tended to make me sensitive and hurt my confidence.

And here we are again. You’re all over the place. I’m pining like a puppy. Except this time, I’m the reason you’re all over the place. And you’re the reason I’m pining like a puppy.

I think a big reason you love being with me is because I’m not a part of your life. I think you were under a lot of stress in your life in 2014 when you met me, and I offered you fresh air. I think you were stress-free when we met again last summer…because you were alone.

But still, I draw you out. You feel free with me. I feel that from you when we are together. It’s how you look at me. It’s how you kiss me. It’s how you make love to me. I don’t mind being that for you. In fact, I love being that for you.

I could not have handled what I have been through with you these past few months if we had fallen in love in 2014. It has been much more dramatic than anything I ever went through with Tim. But then again, I didn’t even think I deserved love back in 2014, so I wouldn’t have fought for it like I have recently.

But you and I have always loved each other. We just didn’t know it before. You were confused. I was preoccupied. But it was there whether we had the capacity to see it or not. That’s what I think, anyway, for whatever that’s worth.

I love you. You say this is just one of those lives where we run into each other and say goodbye. I am not ready to surrender to that. If we recognize each other, why would we say goodbye?

Let’s make love in this life.